Would You Nerds Shut Up About Venom!

An apology.

I apologize for not posting more often but I've basically run out of things to say and mostly just use this blogger to comment on the few blogs that I check on now, so don't expect too much more from me in the future.

As you've probably guessed, I recently saw Spider-Man 3 and I didn't like it. I've heard complaints from many a person about it, mostly due to Venom's lack of screen time. Now, I love my comics, but I'm not a Spider-Man fan by any measure, I tried to be one but I just can't bring myself to put up with all the angst, so I went to the movie with Kalinka without the mindset of a fan expecting the movie to be exactly like the comics that I've read for years (which I haven't) so the whole Venom-not-be-in-the-movie-very-long thing didn't bother me as much. Not to mention that when you think of it the script had two choices: One was to have Peter Parker/Spider-man spend most of the movie confronting his own dark side using inner turmoil and to later choose the path of light while the other was to spend most of the movie confronting his own dark side personified as some guy with a giant mouth using his(Peter Parker/Spider-man) fists. If you want (relatively) good story telling, no contest.

What I was expecting to see was almost no Venom content at all, but instead see Eddie Brock get the symbiont at the end and fore shadowing Venom being in the next movie. That would be the only way that Venom could possibly have been a bigger character than he was. Sorry, but any other way wouldn't have saved this movie, they'd've have been better off without him.

But on that note I have to say, despite the fact that I may seem to be defending the movie at first glance. I'm not. I'm just saying that the movie didn't disappoint my expectations, which was a action movie starring Spider-Man. This movie had Peter Parker/Spider-Man as both the title and most featured or "main" character and a lot of happenings were going on (or was it goings on happening?) which is pretty much the definition of action and AND this was a movie, so I pretty much got what I expected. The main point is, Venom wasn't what was wrong with this movie. In fact, with the exception of J. Jonah Jameson, Eddie Brock/Venom was my favourite character in the whole film. Despite his lack of screen time, or maybe because of it, he is the least flawed of the all the characters in the film.

And since if I'm known for anything it's analyzing everything with a fine-toothed comb, I've taken it upon myself to point out all the flaws I've seen.

Be warned, the next few paragraphs contain spoilers, lots of them. If you haven't seen Spider-Man 3 yet, well, don't. But if you still want too, that's cool. Just don't expect to enjoy yourself. Oh, and don't read this then either.

Focusing on the plot of an action movie is a waste of time mostly, you don't go to an action movie expecting art, you expect action. The makers of the movie mostly put together amazing fight/chase/chase-fight scenes and then squeeze in a few thrown together scenes that don't involve explosions to try and explain why the explody scenes are happening and to make themselves feel better. Usually it's not done very well, Spider-Man 3 is no exception. So rather than waste time on plot I'm going to pick apart the characters instead. All of them.

May Parker: Good old Aunt May. What's wrong with her you ask? Her only two purposes were to a) dish out a heaping helping of proverbs and sagely wisdom, and b) gross us all out at the image of her in a swimsuit. *shudders* Then she disappears without even a hint of any development, even when she learns who killed her husband so many years ago, she's still just a stereotypical kindly old lady and nothing else.

Gwen Stacey: I knew she would be in this movie, I don't look up stuff like the cast for upcoming movies or watch movie trailers, that's more of my brother's kind of thing, so other than my own intuition I had nothing to go on that Gwen Stacey would be in this movie, but whatdayaknow, i was right. Anyway, Gwen had one shining scene at the start were answers a probably difficult physics question, but then spends the rest of the movie as just some big airhead who coincidentally gets her life put into mortal danger(this happens a lot to women in Spider-Man's world.), and is then used to make Mary Jane jealous three times, the third being completely intentional and humiliating for both.

J. Jonah Jameson: Is awesome and if you think otherwise he will kill you in your sleep. That is all.

Ms. Brant?: Exists solely to annoy JJJ, then reject Eddie Brock's dorky come ons only to fall for Evil Peter Parker's equally dorky come ons.

That girl what lives across the hall, whatever her name is supposed to be: She's ditzy, submissive, and maybe borderline anorexic. What's not to love?

Peter Parker's Landlord: He's a stereotypical New York landlord with more than just a hint of an Indian background. Yet his daughter doesn't seem Indian in the slightest from my perspective, go figure.

Dr. Connors: He specifically says that he is not (note the word "not") a biologist. Yet he can identify a symbiont that's from an alien planet using only a microscope, and even pronounces "symbiont" like an uptight holier-than-thou-but-not-really-holy-because-I'm-a-man-of-science jerk, which I can buy, maybe during his education he studied some biology, but then he runs further tests? Why did he have to do it? Isn't there any actual biologists at this, evidently, prestigious university? Also, did Dr. Connors not figure out that Peter Parker is Spider-Man from this? I mean c'mon Peter-Parker-gives-you-black-goop + black-goop-makes-you-more-aggressive + new-black-suited-overly-aggressive-Spider-Man = Peter Parker is Spider-Man. Just put two and two together man! Oh wait, Dr. Connors is a physist, and that has nothing to do with math.

Flint Marko/Sandman: Almost pulled this one off, except that they just HAD to tie him into Spider-Man's past by making him the actual person to kill Ben Parker, then he just went downhill. I can't believe that people sympathize with his character, he's been dealt a difficult hand, okay, but that's not an excuse to endanger other lives the way he constantly does. If he isn't such a bad person then why was he hunting Spider-Man down? Someone so irrationally pissed at something you did that he would try to kill you is someone you avoid confrontation with, and then he teams up with Venom?! I know that he doesn't know who Venom is but still, if the guy has a mouth that reaches his ears and it's full of razor sharp teeth and his plan to eliminate Spider-Man involves putting an innocent girl in mortal danger, I'm sorry, but you just don't trust him and if you do, you're not a good person either. Then they do a pretty piss-poor explanation that his murder of Ben Parker was an accident that he turned himself in for and that all the crimes he commits are to pay for medical bills for his sick daughter, so he must be a good person at heart. He ONLY valued the life of his daughter over the lives of two armoured truck drivers, everyone else on the road, Mary Jane Watson, Ben Parker, and Spider-Man enough to risk their lives for money and in Spider-Man's case, actually attempt to murder him.

Harry Osborne/Gobli Jr.: I know that comic book characters wouldn't BE without coincidences, but this is just too much. Harry is coincidentally the son of the Green Goblin from the first movie, coincidentally best friends with Peter Parker, who is coincidentally Spider-Man, Harry's father died coincidentally indirectly because of Spider-Man, Harry then discovers Spider-Man's identity (not-so-coincidentally, though.), coincidentally develops some strange insanity in which he is speaking to his dead father who is coincidentally acting like the crazy evil version rather than the nice loving father that he WANTED to remember, which then coincidentally leads him to the secret room that contained all the equipment necessary to seek swift revenge on Spider-Man. Tell me that's not hard to swallow. Then he loses his "short term memory" after hitting his head, which would make him forget the chase-fight, but not the "murder" of his father or the hatred of Spider-Man that has been festering for years or the knowledge of his identity, all of which should be stored in his long-term memory by now. Oh, and let's talk his ingenious plan to destroy Peter Parker/Spider-Man's spirit, it was almost well executed, almost. Force his girlfriend to break up with him and make him believe that there is another man in her life, then pretend to be that other man, pretty good plan to ruin the life of someone as emo as Peter Parker/Spider-Man. But to end it all by winking then disappearing like that? Man, Harry Osborne/Gobli Jr. did you ever blow it, all you managed to do use make Peter Parker/Spider-Man cry and then blow your face up. Congrats. Though I did find it interesting that Harry Osborne/Gobli Jr. never actually fought Spider-Man, just Peter Parker.

The Symbiont: Not much to say about it, just how is "oh, it just rode in on a meteor an instinctively sought out Peter Parker/Spider-Man" an explanation on how the symbiont is in this movie?

Mary Jane Watson: What. The. Hell. Is. Wrong. With. Her? I don't care how "in love" you feel at the start of your relationship with anyone, if they are as insensitive, self-centred, and all around deaf to your words and seemingly your words alone, you end it. Seriously, Peter Parker/Spider-Man was probably one of the worst boyfriends of all time even before the symbiont crawls up his ass and afterwards? He cuts a rug with Gwen Stacey specifically to humiliate Mary Jane and make her jealous, then he accidentally backhands her which is somehow worse than the humiliation just previous. Oh, and when she was feeling a little dejected before all that, she practically throws herself at her previous boyfriend who, as I recall from the first movie, wasn't much better during their previous relationship, but who cares about that? Clearly failing miserably to flip an omelet is the epitome of romance. It's like MJ can't not be in a relationship, and sadly this isn't that hard to believe. I've met people like this and it's pretty pathetic.

Peter Parker/Spider-Man: Oh boy, this one's a stinker. I won't dwell too much on his "worst boyfriend ever" failing as it was already mentioned above but I will say this, if a loved one is distraught about something, you DO NOT try to relate to him/her, chances are you've never experienced anything remotely the same. For example: A super hero doesn't need fans to save lives, he/she may feel unwanted without them, but ultimately he/she doesn't NEED them, an actor, however, is nothing if nobody likes him/her and because actor is his/her choice of career, discovering that he/she is unwanted is potentially destructive to their lives. Big difference. And Peter Parker/Spider-Man really needs to get his priorities straight, after the symbiont attaches to him he does the following and was proud of each one. He: Ruined Eddie Brock's career by exposing him as a vindictive fraud, tried very, very hard to kill Flint Marko/Sandman, blew up the right side of his best friends face in cold blood, and salsa danced with Gwen Stacey right in front of Mary Jane Watson in order to make MJ jealous, simtaneously humiliating them both. And what snaps Peter Parker/Spider-Man out of symbiont-high? He accidentally back hands Mary Jane Watson in the face. Now hitting someone is wrong, especially if you care about that person, but compaired to any of those other things and even moreso all of them combined, accidentally backhanding someone doesn't seem like very much at all. And he had better not get a second chance with Mary Jane Watson, despite what the ending seemed to imply. He has no better defense for his actions than an alcoholic, it was his decision to wear that suit, he knew the risks, he should get no sympathy.

And that is every flaw I found in every character in Spider-Man 3.

Also I do think that the death of Eddie Brock/Venom/the symbiont at the end was best way to stop them as I see it as a portrayal of the inevitable result of addiction.

The spoilers end about here, maybe.

Seriously though, I'm done.

Marr Vell